I asked God....
God, if you have to take me...take me only when i feel a sense of belongingness towards a 'person' or a 'place' or a 'purpose'...
....atleast for a 'Moment'.
Then am all yours.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Was it meant to be...!!
Fully clothed, dressed up,
with an arrogant air,
went from one destination into another,
thinking it would be the last.
But as usual compiled,
to pack my bags and forced to leave.
When I had no more destinations to explore,
I came back to the one where I thought,
the door would always be open…. for me.
With my bags and baggage,
fully clothed I came back,
shamelessly running towards the door,
to find the door closed...on me. ..Forever.
a shiver in my spinal cord,
so intense I felt it shot straight through my heart.
Fully clothed….I felt so naked.
Ashamed. Humiliated. I stood looking ahead with no road ahead.
bystanders stood too….looking at my nudity with a vulgar lust.
with an arrogant air,
went from one destination into another,
thinking it would be the last.
But as usual compiled,
to pack my bags and forced to leave.
When I had no more destinations to explore,
I came back to the one where I thought,
the door would always be open…. for me.
With my bags and baggage,
fully clothed I came back,
shamelessly running towards the door,
to find the door closed...on me. ..Forever.
a shiver in my spinal cord,
so intense I felt it shot straight through my heart.
Fully clothed….I felt so naked.
Ashamed. Humiliated. I stood looking ahead with no road ahead.
bystanders stood too….looking at my nudity with a vulgar lust.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Right places which can be so Wrong!!
I walked into my office…and for the first time, really looked at people as they were!
I saw a young man; with gloomy face who loved rock music, had weird hair do (looked cute on him). I once asked him-what he really liked doing? He said he loved theatre a lot. That was his ‘dream job’. I wondered how he would portray ‘hamlet’ on stage! That character would really suit him. I was deep in my thoughts, mean while he was talking to his customers threatening them with legal notice if they did not pay their dues. What a mis match he being hamlet and what he worked as- a collection officer in the credit department.
When she swayed while walking, men drooled. She knew she was a rage, a phenomenon, the rush she gave men. She pretended not to know, but how she loved the effect she had on men. Some women also did secretly admire her (I once over heard a colleague of mine who said, I would love to switch over as lesbian for Ms.A). She was custom made to be a model- Tall-5.8, V.S- 34.26.36.Dark. She could give Naomi Campbell a run for her job. She worked in the operations. I could see her beauty wasted everyday. She should have been on ramp. When ever I met her in cafeteria, in the fresh room, in the lift, I always said ‘A, you should have been a model’, she as usual pauses and says- ‘J, how I wish!’
He went on and on...quoting Thoreau, Leo Tolstoy, and Bernard Shah. He once said,’ “Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness… give me truth.”It was said, when our targets were not met. I never understood the connection between the quote and the purpose of our meeting (we call such meetings as screw up session!!). But Mr.V’s meetings were always different. It metamorphed from screwed up meetings into attainment of nirvana sessions. I loved Mr. V’s meetings. It meant so much, but our office’s money minded dorks never got the point. Mr. V headed Wealth management. He believed in ethics, asked us never to mis sell, never swindled client’s money. His sub ordinates always made fun of him. He should have been a philsopher, a teacher. What was he doing’ here...I wondered!
He was the quiet one, never flamboyant, never flashy, and never bluffed. Sadly, he never met his targets too. He was very shy. He was every S.U session’s punching bag. I really saw who he was during those recreational sessions (management arranged such games or matches to get us motivated to perform better!!) he played cricket match with such vigor; we never expected S would pull up such a grand century. He was the weekend hero. On Monday, I imagined he would come like a king to show target driven performs the exit door. Unfortunately, sales never drove him. Back to square one - poor performer. He should have been a cricketer. Hmmm!!
He spoke about organic farming; he spoke about equal distribution of wealth. He wanted to go back to his roots, do something for his people who knew nothing about scientific farming. I could see conviction in his voice, with glitters in his eyes. But sadly, he everyday did what he never liked. He sold Mutual Funds!!
She fed every stray puppy, cried at every beggar’s sight. She was compassion personified. She visited NGO’s on rare occasions due to time constraints. She loved animals. Her dream was to do something for animals or for have-nots. She spoke at length about her interests and regretted not working in NGO. She sold insurance to clients who never wanted to be insured or knew nothing about such intricacy.
How many such cases I come across. People always did or worked where and what they never wanted to. I wonder why cant they or don’t pursue their passion. Don’t we all have right to be happy?
Do commitments; necessitous; money; family obligations; fear of unknown; crush our dreams, our real happiness, our passions? Are we all scared to be who we really are? Aren’t we all murderers when we merciless kill the child in us which craves to dream, to fly, to be happy, to be FREE.
(I quote these verses taken from-Into the wild…“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.”)
I saw a young man; with gloomy face who loved rock music, had weird hair do (looked cute on him). I once asked him-what he really liked doing? He said he loved theatre a lot. That was his ‘dream job’. I wondered how he would portray ‘hamlet’ on stage! That character would really suit him. I was deep in my thoughts, mean while he was talking to his customers threatening them with legal notice if they did not pay their dues. What a mis match he being hamlet and what he worked as- a collection officer in the credit department.
When she swayed while walking, men drooled. She knew she was a rage, a phenomenon, the rush she gave men. She pretended not to know, but how she loved the effect she had on men. Some women also did secretly admire her (I once over heard a colleague of mine who said, I would love to switch over as lesbian for Ms.A). She was custom made to be a model- Tall-5.8, V.S- 34.26.36.Dark. She could give Naomi Campbell a run for her job. She worked in the operations. I could see her beauty wasted everyday. She should have been on ramp. When ever I met her in cafeteria, in the fresh room, in the lift, I always said ‘A, you should have been a model’, she as usual pauses and says- ‘J, how I wish!’
He went on and on...quoting Thoreau, Leo Tolstoy, and Bernard Shah. He once said,’ “Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness… give me truth.”It was said, when our targets were not met. I never understood the connection between the quote and the purpose of our meeting (we call such meetings as screw up session!!). But Mr.V’s meetings were always different. It metamorphed from screwed up meetings into attainment of nirvana sessions. I loved Mr. V’s meetings. It meant so much, but our office’s money minded dorks never got the point. Mr. V headed Wealth management. He believed in ethics, asked us never to mis sell, never swindled client’s money. His sub ordinates always made fun of him. He should have been a philsopher, a teacher. What was he doing’ here...I wondered!
He was the quiet one, never flamboyant, never flashy, and never bluffed. Sadly, he never met his targets too. He was very shy. He was every S.U session’s punching bag. I really saw who he was during those recreational sessions (management arranged such games or matches to get us motivated to perform better!!) he played cricket match with such vigor; we never expected S would pull up such a grand century. He was the weekend hero. On Monday, I imagined he would come like a king to show target driven performs the exit door. Unfortunately, sales never drove him. Back to square one - poor performer. He should have been a cricketer. Hmmm!!
He spoke about organic farming; he spoke about equal distribution of wealth. He wanted to go back to his roots, do something for his people who knew nothing about scientific farming. I could see conviction in his voice, with glitters in his eyes. But sadly, he everyday did what he never liked. He sold Mutual Funds!!
She fed every stray puppy, cried at every beggar’s sight. She was compassion personified. She visited NGO’s on rare occasions due to time constraints. She loved animals. Her dream was to do something for animals or for have-nots. She spoke at length about her interests and regretted not working in NGO. She sold insurance to clients who never wanted to be insured or knew nothing about such intricacy.
How many such cases I come across. People always did or worked where and what they never wanted to. I wonder why cant they or don’t pursue their passion. Don’t we all have right to be happy?
Do commitments; necessitous; money; family obligations; fear of unknown; crush our dreams, our real happiness, our passions? Are we all scared to be who we really are? Aren’t we all murderers when we merciless kill the child in us which craves to dream, to fly, to be happy, to be FREE.
(I quote these verses taken from-Into the wild…“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.”)
Friday, September 17, 2010
Languish
Loneliness gnawed at me....
He adviced me to,
Read books.
Write poems.
Learn dancing.
Learn cooking.
Learn driving.
!!!!
He wanted me to,
Meet new people.
Make friends.
Go on dates.
Meet right one.
He said I deserved love!
I was mute.
I was blank.
All I pined for....
was 'Him'!
He adviced me to,
Read books.
Write poems.
Learn dancing.
Learn cooking.
Learn driving.
!!!!
He wanted me to,
Meet new people.
Make friends.
Go on dates.
Meet right one.
He said I deserved love!
I was mute.
I was blank.
All I pined for....
was 'Him'!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
My Name....??
If My Name could give me....
Identity!!
Who wants it??
I want to be....
Nameless!!
Identity less!!
Want to be a whiff of grain.
Want to be a aimless wind.
Identity!!
Who wants it??
I want to be....
Nameless!!
Identity less!!
Want to be a whiff of grain.
Want to be a aimless wind.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Like Foam
'Suffer Love',
they say.
Either they do not know love
or they are brave.
If i don't get to see him,
I wish with heavy heart will cease to be,
by slow degrees,
like foam
when running water
splashes against the rocks.
they say.
Either they do not know love
or they are brave.
If i don't get to see him,
I wish with heavy heart will cease to be,
by slow degrees,
like foam
when running water
splashes against the rocks.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
He lingers on.....
Macondo...Ursula...Jose Arcadio....Aureliano...Rebeca...the magic...the madness...the deaths...the rebirths...the war...the loneliness...clairvoyance...clandestine...
Even after 10 years since i met them all...
still the same grip, same depth,same feelings, same insanity, same obsession.
Marquez never ceases to amaze me!!
Even after 10 years since i met them all...
still the same grip, same depth,same feelings, same insanity, same obsession.
Marquez never ceases to amaze me!!
One of my Fav...her poems!
Stranger with despair in your eyes
I've met you not here alone,but
In alien towns,where even the streets
You walked on, looking,no,not at
Faces,but at signs over shops,were
Roofed with hostile skies;everything
Seemed so grey,so old,but you walked
On and on,your fingers in pockets
Curling and uncurling,your loneliness
Blue as a birthmark on your face.
I've seen you in restaurants,all gay
And smoke-filled,on the seat behind
The pillar,drinking joylessly your
Sweetened tea,while your left hand
Softly trembling,crouches on the
Tablecloth like a wounded bird.
I've seen you walk around in gardens
Pausing to peer at names,knife-engraved
On trees now grown tall;on beaches,
With downcast eyes,at cocktails,
Glass in hand,sulking behind those
Potted plants;I've seen your bitten nails,
Your sickly smile,heard your brittle
Broken talk;I know you now too well
Not to recognize.
I've met you not here alone,but
In alien towns,where even the streets
You walked on, looking,no,not at
Faces,but at signs over shops,were
Roofed with hostile skies;everything
Seemed so grey,so old,but you walked
On and on,your fingers in pockets
Curling and uncurling,your loneliness
Blue as a birthmark on your face.
I've seen you in restaurants,all gay
And smoke-filled,on the seat behind
The pillar,drinking joylessly your
Sweetened tea,while your left hand
Softly trembling,crouches on the
Tablecloth like a wounded bird.
I've seen you walk around in gardens
Pausing to peer at names,knife-engraved
On trees now grown tall;on beaches,
With downcast eyes,at cocktails,
Glass in hand,sulking behind those
Potted plants;I've seen your bitten nails,
Your sickly smile,heard your brittle
Broken talk;I know you now too well
Not to recognize.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Out of Africa
Walked into a bookstore out of boredom, bookstore is my favorite hangout on boring days(long back I had an illusion I would meet an intellectual soul mate in a library or book store, where we would bump into picking up same novel…. yawn yawn!! Too filmy huh!!, read- never found one…. sob sob)
Back to my visit into a bookstore which also stores DVD’s…. as I had long weekend, thought will buy some nice movies(I can watch 4 to 5 back to back movies)…..bought movies like Atonement, Pollock, Out of Africa, smitha patil’s Mirch Masala!,Revolutionary Road….
Out of which, it is “Out of Africa” which made me melt into tenderness and feeling warmth(now a days people call me Ms.cold vibes, not coz I am a snob, maybe I have become cynical…psst psst…nothing to do with my job or work or office…..i love my job, I love my targets!!!)
The movie- ‘Out of Africa’ is noted for its melancholy and elegiac style. Its true story of Karen Christenze Dinesen,who was a Danish author also known under her pen name Isak Dinesen. The starting and ending is so alluring and superb portrayal of human emotions in different shades- it may be love or physical cravings or love of freedom or loss of loved ones and the vacuum they leave!
It is the vivid snapshot of African colonial life and beautiful place like Kenya shown with such precision, the love for animals, nature and the human bonding with nature and its land, meryl streep(who plays Karen) is perfect for the role, her english aristocratic looks and the ease with which she acts is mind blowing. She simply looks so ladylike and beautiful.
Denys Finch Hatton(played by Robert Redford) is a type of a man whom women dread even to acquaint and eventually fall madly in love with! He is a hunter, handsome, has that natural grace, knows how to treat a woman, and knows his moves but who can never belong to anyone, a free spirit. He loves his freedom more than anything. Even the love for his lady takes back seat when he goes out on his safaris. His radiance and serenity is irresistible. But try owning him he vanishes!!
Karen Blixen(played by Meryl Streep) is fiercely independent woman who knows what she wants and takes life in her own stride, aren’t all women who are fiercely independent have a weak knee for love, feel vulnerable, have that innate need to feel wanted. At least the pretence of love would make them feel loved! She owns her own farm in the movie and unlike other Europeans, she shares close cordial relationship with Africans to an extent of providing them education. The best part is when she loses everything she owns, loved and had…but the strength with which she carries herself is in itself a personification and an epitome of courage and strength. Meryl Streep is completely mesmerizing............ and for more details watch the movie….
After watching the movie I just want to fly a plane over tsavo and experience the cool breeze caress my face and breath as if its for the first time and if I may; breath last with that feeling of seeing the earth below, to fall in love all over again with breathtaking creations of god and feel worthless compared to nature. Feel that contentment with life and be a free spirit forever with no chains and bonds.
(Above:One of my favorite scenes where Denys washes Karen’s hair)
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Poetry within......
A wave of aromatic freshness......
enveloped me into timeless longings and insatiability......
enveloped me into timeless longings and insatiability......
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Can "I" & "U" Change the world????
When I was young, bomb blasts happened only in far away places (gulf war was on at that time, me as a child imagined how it would be!-it created that fear, but I felt safe as it can never happen to me and my people)
As time passed, it happened everywhere. It was getting closer and closer- Delhi, Mumbai, Hyderabad, Bangalore! Man! It’s a very creepy feeling. It’s getting closer and who knows I might be the next one to go….one blast…many dead and me among them. City on high alert (after the blast!!), government announces compensation which my family would never get. Then I would just be a fading memory. My unrealized dream crushed. Born for a purpose. Killed by someone to serve their purposes. “purpose” is the most misused word. At least the one who planted the bomb remember the victims?? Will he? Will she? Would they keep record of the people they killed???
But why did it start? Who started? Where it started? When is the end? Everyone calls them terrorist! The word terrorist sounds like the word- alien. Someone not amongst us. Someone satanic. Someone who has an illusion about serving god or a purpose! But aren’t they also like us- blood and flesh. What drives them to kill thousands of people whom they don’t even know? Revenge- against what and whom?? I wish I met a terrorist. I too would want to hurt him; he is the one who broke many hearts. He killed my innocent fellow county men. My unknown brothers and sisters….my land, my country and humanity connected us. Deep down I feel everyone have that violence. Maybe someone killed his loved one….too. Who knows?!
What separates us and them is our suppression of violence, our culture teaches us to control our anger. But suppressed anger is bad too?? Right? Maybe anger can be channelized in a positive way…..write, read, talk, blog, discuss, join an organization…make the change in your heart, in your home. But why kill????
I wonder how the person feels when he kills countless people in buses, in trains, in hotels, in planes, in malls. Would he feel like god? Ok, then what? Feel like god and what next? Can they really sleep? That peaceful, blissful sleep? How I hate them, how I wish I did something. If I encounter them, can I kill them?? Maybe I can. Maybe I can’t! Everyone is capable of killing but the choice you make is the difference between being human and barbaric.
Now the question is when is the end? That day when everyone in every country and people of every religion would feel that one word we all crave- ‘SECURE’.
It can happen when everyone in every house would pledge to stop hating anyone coz of his religion or country or color or race. Rich people should adopt poor people to educate them so economic disparity would not divide the society. And not let anyone brain wash youngsters. And not be a fanatic of one’s religion and believe in humanity. Believe in the good old words- compassion and love. Our moral science classes of primary still holds good even after we complete PhD’s of the world.
Just got to remember- nobody has right to take away what they can’t give back. Life is too precious. Let’s not indulge in hate, violence and vengeance. We all feel it. But, trust me- it’s so stressful. Being in love, feeling compassionate is such a beautiful feeling.
There is reason why we all love and follow Jesus, Buddha, Mahaveer, Prophet Mohammed and Rama. We ‘still’ seek refuge and salvation in them, and not Lucifer, Ayatollah Khomeini, Hitler or Stalin.
Every living thing on this world needs love- me, you, them, us, animals, plants, nature. Believe only in love. Remember force conquers but never wins!
Love rocks and everything else is just dust to dust and ashes to ashes.
Happy Valentines Day.
Jael
As time passed, it happened everywhere. It was getting closer and closer- Delhi, Mumbai, Hyderabad, Bangalore! Man! It’s a very creepy feeling. It’s getting closer and who knows I might be the next one to go….one blast…many dead and me among them. City on high alert (after the blast!!), government announces compensation which my family would never get. Then I would just be a fading memory. My unrealized dream crushed. Born for a purpose. Killed by someone to serve their purposes. “purpose” is the most misused word. At least the one who planted the bomb remember the victims?? Will he? Will she? Would they keep record of the people they killed???
But why did it start? Who started? Where it started? When is the end? Everyone calls them terrorist! The word terrorist sounds like the word- alien. Someone not amongst us. Someone satanic. Someone who has an illusion about serving god or a purpose! But aren’t they also like us- blood and flesh. What drives them to kill thousands of people whom they don’t even know? Revenge- against what and whom?? I wish I met a terrorist. I too would want to hurt him; he is the one who broke many hearts. He killed my innocent fellow county men. My unknown brothers and sisters….my land, my country and humanity connected us. Deep down I feel everyone have that violence. Maybe someone killed his loved one….too. Who knows?!
What separates us and them is our suppression of violence, our culture teaches us to control our anger. But suppressed anger is bad too?? Right? Maybe anger can be channelized in a positive way…..write, read, talk, blog, discuss, join an organization…make the change in your heart, in your home. But why kill????
I wonder how the person feels when he kills countless people in buses, in trains, in hotels, in planes, in malls. Would he feel like god? Ok, then what? Feel like god and what next? Can they really sleep? That peaceful, blissful sleep? How I hate them, how I wish I did something. If I encounter them, can I kill them?? Maybe I can. Maybe I can’t! Everyone is capable of killing but the choice you make is the difference between being human and barbaric.
Now the question is when is the end? That day when everyone in every country and people of every religion would feel that one word we all crave- ‘SECURE’.
It can happen when everyone in every house would pledge to stop hating anyone coz of his religion or country or color or race. Rich people should adopt poor people to educate them so economic disparity would not divide the society. And not let anyone brain wash youngsters. And not be a fanatic of one’s religion and believe in humanity. Believe in the good old words- compassion and love. Our moral science classes of primary still holds good even after we complete PhD’s of the world.
Just got to remember- nobody has right to take away what they can’t give back. Life is too precious. Let’s not indulge in hate, violence and vengeance. We all feel it. But, trust me- it’s so stressful. Being in love, feeling compassionate is such a beautiful feeling.
There is reason why we all love and follow Jesus, Buddha, Mahaveer, Prophet Mohammed and Rama. We ‘still’ seek refuge and salvation in them, and not Lucifer, Ayatollah Khomeini, Hitler or Stalin.
Every living thing on this world needs love- me, you, them, us, animals, plants, nature. Believe only in love. Remember force conquers but never wins!
Love rocks and everything else is just dust to dust and ashes to ashes.
Happy Valentines Day.
Jael
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Poles apart...Twins!
Sometimes life and death look alike, at times i feel they are twins!
Playing pranks with each other and so called human race is the scapegoat!
The only truth in this world is 2 things-life and death....still we go on living like its forever! Sad but true.
Some truths are very simple; we choose to take it for granted.
Only if truth encounters us in its ugly form...we seek refuge in....love, sex, career, religion, god and what not!!!
Playing pranks with each other and so called human race is the scapegoat!
The only truth in this world is 2 things-life and death....still we go on living like its forever! Sad but true.
Some truths are very simple; we choose to take it for granted.
Only if truth encounters us in its ugly form...we seek refuge in....love, sex, career, religion, god and what not!!!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Nameless...
Some Relationships in this world does not have any name!
Such relationships has all the depth in the world but no particular word to describe it.
There is no sign of its beginning and no trace of its end!
Years later you suddenly see a familiar face and your heart aches,longs but only to know later..its a mirage.
An unfamiliar face you thought was familiar!
The heart ache here does not translate into tears,the longing and the ache gets lost between your heart and your eyes.
It vanishes.
You would not even know where the ache went by, until it comes back again like a shooting pain.....
when you see familiarity in unfamiliar face.
Jael
Such relationships has all the depth in the world but no particular word to describe it.
There is no sign of its beginning and no trace of its end!
Years later you suddenly see a familiar face and your heart aches,longs but only to know later..its a mirage.
An unfamiliar face you thought was familiar!
The heart ache here does not translate into tears,the longing and the ache gets lost between your heart and your eyes.
It vanishes.
You would not even know where the ache went by, until it comes back again like a shooting pain.....
when you see familiarity in unfamiliar face.
Jael
On an Lonely Chair...
You sit among strangers in a strange place....
.....and it is such an intimate feeling,
that you feel at home at once!!
Jael
"A face which i will forget eventually,
is the face i would love to remember"
Jael
.....and it is such an intimate feeling,
that you feel at home at once!!
Jael
"A face which i will forget eventually,
is the face i would love to remember"
Jael
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