His love....Fake one and Real one!!

He suddenly realized what he had done......it was a mistake, a blunder! He felt his heart pounding, his pulse weakening, he was sweating profusely, he was in trance, everything looked desultory....he didn't know sleeping would wreck him so much!

Then came like a flash- her smile, her smile could light the entire world. He fell for her smile; though she had crooked teeth he thought it looked perfect. Her hazel eyes gave him a mad urge to drown in them. Other men thought her 'ok looking' types; she was his diva, his love goddess, his what not! He thought love was the 1st wonder of the universe. It was the beginning and the end. It gave him a reason to smile when alone, it made traffic jams endurable, it made the crowded buses look comfortable, it made all the lyrics in the world correlate with her, once after meeting her, he encountered a beggar it made him generously give away all the money in his wallet and it was sweet pleasure to starve entire day in her memory, he did not bathe for two days as he wanted sweet longing fragrance of hers on his skin, she gave him strength to dream, to be happy, to live...............and to die! She was his love, million words could compliment her.

And he suddenly remembered other love of his life- his first love rather. She was fragile, she was delicate, she was physically weak but her mental strength put any army general to shame. She did not know how to read or write or she did not know any super complex formulas but her calculation would put any mathematician into major complex. She had not read Das capital of Karl Marx, but her sense of equality was near perfection, she had not read ‘Wuthering Heights’ to love her man, she had not read ‘sons and lovers’ to love her children. She had not applied any make up all her life nor went to any beauty parlors but he thought her the most beautiful woman on this earth. She saved all her money to buy what he loved; she did not eat unless he came home, be it 1am or 2am. She ate his left over, she did not buy sari on diwali to let him buy his Levis jeans. She shed tears when he bought home his first trophy which was a consolation prize (a small steel cup), she still preserved it. She was his silent tower of strength, his foundation, his solace, his refuge......she nearly died to let him live! No words could compensate to one word of what she was- His mother.

That when he realized his blunder. He was blinded by the deceptive love of his lover. He completely forgot his mother, how could he forgive himself. Would god ever give him second chance to rectify his crime, would god give him second chance....just once! He prayed, he pleaded, he wept, and he wanted to embrace his mother, sleep on her lap..... but life at times would not give second chance....he had taken too many sleeping tablets, enough to kill many people. He was dying...that’s when life stood beside and it looks at him mockingly, nearing death is when life looks seductive!

He was dying for a woman whom he loved for few years and was loved back; she had turned down his love abruptly over a sms!! As she stopped loving him overnight. That’s when he had taken extreme step to die.....forsaking his mother’s love which gave him strength for 28 years.
That’s when an image of fragile figure appeared......with eyes full of insatiable love and agony.....that’s when he wanted to live.........only for her.
But............life is an illusion and death a reality. He breathed his last breath with a name on his ashen lips......Ma.

(I would like to share a sad news, I wrote this thoughts when a family friend who was working in Bangalore committed suicide recently over love disappointment consuming sleeping tablets, he was in icu for 3 days and died. His mother sat like a rock all the time with no emotions, she looked at me after his cremation, gave a vague smile and said.....her son is coming over for weekend and she has to prepare his favorite dish- Holige!!)

Jael